The End of Days - Losing your soul-mate to glioblastoma

For decades, Saturday night was always our “date” night, which usually was dinner at whatever our “Cheers” restaurant was where were living.. For example, in Gold River, we spent every Saturday at the same restaurant, where we had a permanent reservation, with the same wait person, and had the same meal each time. Burgers usually. Jan would dress up as always, looking sharp, and I would even dress better than usual - my best jeans. We would have a martini, share our wine with our waiter, chat with staff and in general, have a nice relaxing evening. Even while Jan was fighting the cancer, we still went out on Saturdays - it became difficult when Jan could not see, and she refrained from speaking when she became embarrassed at using the wrong words, but we still gave it a try until the very end.   Now that Jan is gone, Saturday night has become toxic to me - I can make it through the rest of the week, but Saturday night just brings on the bad memories and focuses on how alone I ...

A few days after my wife passed, I began sorting through her clothes in the master closet and bedroom dresser drawers, with the help of my cousin. We wound up packing up about 15 boxes. It hurt doing this - I loved the way Jan dressed, and she had so many beautiful outfits. But I just need to clear out the upstairs - I did not want to be like a lot of widowers who keep everything for years. I gave it all away to charity. After that, I pretty much held off on give away, except for items that she did not care about, or which I know she would have been happy to give to certain friends - her tennis rackets for example. Some items I sold and regretted - a pair of sunglasses we bought and she hardly ever wore. And a tagine - I knew I would never use it again, but Jan loved it. The woman I sold it to cooked with hers all the time, but it broke, and she was so happy to find another one. After selling that, I decided to be more selective once again - I really felt like I was giving pieces of h...

Because of all the damage the tumor, surgery and radiation inflicts on the brain, steroids become a necessity to reduce swelling, and thus suppress some of the effects you get from the swelling such memory, speech and vision issues. Jan was on high dosage during the radiaton and chemo, which was reduced towards the end of treatment. Unfortunately, the steroid was also suppressing a very nasty reaction to the chemotherapy drug. As we approached the end of treatment, we noticed a few patches of a rash on her arms. This continued to spread across her entire body…everywhere. And then, during a holiday weekend, she was not feeling well either, so we wound up with a nightmare experience in the UC Davis Emergency Room. As with most E/R, it became a Hotel California experience - you can check out anytime you want, but never leave. The end result was putting her back on steroids, and also getting a steroid ointment which I had to apply over her body twice a day. It worked fortunately. She also...