Strange new habits

 When my wife’s struggle with glioblastoma came to an end, one of my dearest cousins showed up at my door, and was with me when my wife passed, and then stayed with me for the following week. She, along with my friends who stayed with the until she arrived, probably save my life. A pastor from my church asked me what I would have done if I did not have that support the first week - I told her I probably would have cried myself into a fatal heart attack. 

At any rate, what I meant to talk about in this post, was the strange new habits I’ve acquired since I’ve been forced into being a single person. My cousin has been single for quite some time, through divorces from bad marriages. She’s very happy with her life, has many friends and travels frequently to be with family. But one thing I noticed in the week she was here, is that she talks constantly to herself. Apparently,  when you live alone, you eventually let what runs through your mind, leak out through talking. Everyone I’m sure finds themselves muttering to themselves once in a while - I used to do that, and sometimes I’d here Jan say something ‘under her breath’ when she was busy working on some spreadsheet. But people who spend a great deal of time by themselves seem to have a constant, ongoing conversation with themselves.

Fast forward 5 months to now. As I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was say good morning to my wife’s picture, followed by a lengthy complaint about this being just another day by myself. I reminded myself that I have a tennis lesson, and need to get to REI to buy a few things for my upcoming trip. Uhhh….I realized that I was talking to myself. And have been for months now. I think this started before Jan passed - I used to take short breaks and walk around the neighborhood trail, both thinking and sometimes quietly talking to myself on what it would be like to be alone. Once Jan was gone, I’ve been talking constantly, and probably shouting at times during my melt downs. I say good night to Jan every evening, say hello when I walk into the house or into the bedroom….and pretty much converse with myself for most everything I do. Very strange. I would not be too surprised to find out that this is a common habit for most long time ‘loners’ who live by themselves. I’d much prefer to have someone to talk to other than myself. I hate being alone.



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